Feels very strange that I haven't been here since September. I had a cluster of Etsy sales and it was exciting for a moment but then came in my long-time pal Dread or maybe it was Fear. The items wouldn't be good enough. They could get lost in the mail. How did these people find me even though I hadn't updated my Etsy store for quite a while? Is this box pretty enough? Will the buyer be offended by me because I recycle packing envelopes? Problem is, I don't know. There was no communication back from the buyers. Fear was feeling validated.

I would like to say I have been in a funk for months. Truth is I've been battling major depression and anxiety. I'm not even looking at Etsy, buying Etsy items, ordering or purchasing beads. Okay, I did purchase a few beads here and there but they are now covered up by laundry. LAUNDRY. Shame on me!

I did force myself to take a night class here at MSUB. It's very challenging and I came close to dropping it several times. The class is Introduction to (Adobe) Illustrator. Now my good friend Obsession has stepped in. My projects must be perfect and exceed any expectations. Myself, the instructor's, co-workers, and of course the entire class. Completely absurd thinking.

This is the pain. Knowing how absurd and irrational my diseased thinking is but continuing to act it out.

Now that I am a student, not just an employee, of this university, the student art club would like me to help out. They are in dire need of help for their auction but all this mind trouble is bubbling up. What if I ruin my relationship with the students? How could I really help since I am not an art major? I'm so tired of working two jobs and taking a night class. Where will I get this energy? Why can't I fight the good fight anymore?

I can't stand it when somebody will call me an artist or say that I am artistic or creative. That's a lot to live up to. Whatever that would be. Navigating a gauge of how much 'artistic ability' meets a quota or standard. What is that?

What is that?

I believe this is a core issue. Seriously, what is it? Then followed by the all-consuming 'why is this even important?'

There is no magic pill or mantra.

I received my Stringing magazine yesterday. The jewelry pieces are very unique and push boundaries that I might not think of ever doing. It's strange. People have commented that my jewelry is strange or weird. I get sensitive and then feel confused. I do want my jewelry to be 'different' and filled with unique components. But for the past 6 months, that just isn't good enough.

Thanks to the Internet, I can meander through thoughts without a concise conclusion

DyaniAdorn Jewelry

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